Of Mothers, DNA Tests and Salty Fangirls
by Levi Ackerman
Summary: Thea aftermath of Naruto manga 707 erupted in ship wars and character hate. Karin is pissed. Sakura is sympathetic. Suigetsu is screwed. Naruto demands panel-time for his wife. Sasuke is sick of his relationship with his lovely wife being tainted. And Kishimoto? Kishimoto is trolling everyone. [Parody, SasuSaku, NaruHina, SuiKa, anti-SasuKarin; rated M for language]


_A/N: There's a proper A/N after the story ends, I don't want to spoil anything here. This is basically my response to Naruto chapter 707 and the ridiculousness that has been continuing in the Naruto fandom since 700 really._

 _Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto. King of Trolls, Kishimoto-sensei owns Naruto. And is clearly enjoying trolling us, since as a fandom, after 700, some of us displayed rather disgraceful behavior._

 _Warning: This is a parody, please don't take it seriously. Contains SasuSaku, NaruHina, SuiKa and anti-SasuKarin. Hints of NejiTen. SasuNaru bromance, though you can take it as more or less if you like. ItaSasu references, again as a joke, but you can take it as more or less if you'd like. And some Shingeki references with ErenMika, YumiKuri and anti-EreKuri. I've warned you. Don't like, don't read._

 _Rated M for language._

* * *

 **Of Mothers, DNA tests and Salty Fangirls**

* * *

 _(Orochimaru's hideout. Well, one of them.)_

"Slut!"

"Harlot!"

"Homewrecker!"

"Sasuke should have stabbed you when he had the chance!"

"You wouldn't even be _alive_ if Sakura hadn't saved you back during Shippuuden, you fugly bitch!"

Karin groaned and she dove deeper into her covers, pulling the pillow over her ears to try and muffle the hateful cries.

It wasn't anything new: she had to deal with this crap every week for the past seven weeks, from Wednesday to Thursday.

"I told him to just write me off as dead," she muttered to herself, "but no… what the hell even happened this time? I knew I shouldn't have agreed to that cameo…"

The haters were worse than ever. They were outside the base every week, screaming insults and throwing bricks and rocks at her room. Even after she had changed bases, they had managed to track her down.

What was worse was that they were all _civilians._ Karin was pretty sure she could finish off the entire lot of them within five minutes, permanently put an end to their vicious shrieking. But in Taka, such bloodlust and/or sadism had been Sasuke's thing, and Suigetsu's thing… and even Juugo's thing when he was in a certain _mood._ Not her, no. Karin hadn't been particularly bloodthirsty. Thirsty, yes, perhaps, for Sasuke-kun's - well, his blood in particular hadn't been the liquid she - okay no, no - besides, that was _all_ a thing of a past.

Well, apparently not so much of the past, given the kinds of insults being hurled at her window, perpetuating her shame at poor life choices.

 _Look, we all have that one guy in age of our adolescent idiocy, that one mistake, that one asshole who we can't help but like despite his utter assholery,_ she wanted to poke her head out of the window and scream. _But I'm over him now and I got over him years ago so will you just leave me the fuck alone!_

The ghosts of her entirely misinformed and regrettable stupid crush on Uchiha Sasuke still continued to haunt her however, and Karin had barely stuck her head out of the window when a brick came sailing at her, barely grazing her red spikes.

Cursing, Karin ducked back inside.

 _Good things those civilians have such shit aim._

"Come back out you manwhore!" voices jeered.

"Prostitute! Did you drug Sasuke and then fuck him?"

"Are you hoarding his genetic material, you creep!"

"Do you routinely shove your crush's daughter's umbilical cord up yours so you can pretend you gave birth to her?"

"God damnit." Karin pulled at her hair in frustration. That last one really took the cake.

 _How messed up do people think I am?_

She was used to the cursing, the badmouthing and she usually shook it off, though it was hurtful to hear some of the things people said about her. Yes, so okay, she had been a bit skanky at one point, and yeah, maybe a bit stalkerish and creepy too, but everyone has that fucked-up phase right? She grew out of it. At least she hadn't tried to, you know, kill one of her dear teammates and longtime friends, for instance.

At one point Karin had even tried to be sympathetic to the crazed fans. After all, given what she'd heard from sources, the past few chapters had been rather deliberately misleading.

 _I get why people hate me, but that doesn't make it suck any less. Besides, they have to be idiots to not recognize the massive trolling going on._

"Sasukarin forever!" a shrill voice shrieked.

One of her supporters.

Karin scrunched up her nose in disdain. She didn't know which she hated more: the antis, or the fervent but delusional fangirls.

 _How could they want me and Sasuke to be together after all that shit? Do they not think I deserve character development or self-respect? Clearly, I was stupid back then, but I grew up damnit. I am a smoking hot kunoichi and an Uzumaki too! I can do better than that duckbutt red-eyed freak!_

Years ago, people shipping her with Sasuke would have made her swoon. Now, it just made her kind of sick, and filled her with the urge to punch something. Or rather, someone.

"What are you on, he clearly loves Naruto!" another voice added to the fray, and then, from the sound of it, it erupted into a full blown-out war, right below Karin's window.

"Sasusaku!"

"No! Sasukarin!"

"Sasukraken, please?! Even Sasuhina is more likely than that!"

"Sasunaru! They kissed! Twice!"

"Filler kisses don't count!"

"If he's gay, he obviously has the hots for Itachi!"

"Sasuke and Sakura got married and had a _daughter,_ they refer to each other as _husband_ and _wife,_ what more proof do you want?!"

"That _daughter_ is clearly Karin's and not Sakura's! He's just using Sakura! Sasukarin is endgame!"

"Karin is the fugliest tramp around, why would someone as hot as Sasuke bang _her_ when he could get Sakura?!"

"IF YOU LOT DON'T SHUT THE HELL UP I WILL PUNCH YOU INTO A CRATER, SHANNARO!"

 _Ah, so she's here too now,_ Karin thought wryly, as the babble immediately grew silent, before breaking out into screams again.

"Sakura-chan!"

"I support you, Sakura-chan!"

"I told you you should have gone for Naruto and not Sasuke!"

"You're way hotter than Karin!"

"Sakura-sama, leave all of them and come to me!"

Karin rolled her eyes, sitting down on the edge of her bed and waiting. A few moments later, a pink head poked through her window.

"Hey," Sakura greeted.

"Hi." Karin nodded.

"...they found you."

"Yeah." Karin shrugged. "Even after I switched bases. They always seem to find me."

Sakura made a sympathetic face. "I know the feeling. Though I guess being called a useless housewife isn't quite as bad as… some of the stuff they call you."

"I'm over it," Karin said, shrugging. "No point getting butthurt over a bunch of morons being morons."

"That's good that you're so positive!" Sakura said cheerfully, before wincing slightly. "Hey, is there some secret entryway somewhere you can open? I'm not a big fan of hanging off your windowsill for the duration of this conversation…"

"Try the northern entryway," Karin told her.

"Great!" Sakura beamed at her, before disappearing.

"Why are you wasting time talking to that hoe?!" a voice outside screamed.

"Karin's just a useless slut with no skills!"

"Hey," Sakura popped back in, "do you mind if I - "

"Please don't punch anything," Karin warned her. "The foundations aren't that strong and if you break a wall, Orochimaru-sama will make _me_ pay for damages."

"Right," Sakura agreed, before slipping back down.

"THE NEXT PERSON TO INSULT KARIN GETS THEIR TONGUE SHOVED UP THEIR BACKSIDE, I AM A MEDIC, YOU KNOW I CAN DO THIS!"

Karin grinned wryly. The girl had a temper.

* * *

About seven minutes later, and there was a knock on her door.

Karin opened it, and Sakura walked in, wiping her hands together.

"Be careful," Karin warned her, "you stick up for me more and you'll give people ideas. There will be yuri of us everywhere."

Sakura snorted. "You mean you'll be Sarada's new 'father'?"

"Anything goes with these people," Karin said. "Maybe I sexy no jutsu!ed into a guy, knocked you up and…"

"Then we transplanted the Sharingan and dyed Sarada's hair black so both of us could pretend that we had sexed up Sasuke-kun when neither of us could actually have him," Sakura completed.

Karin couldn't help but laugh. "That's a new one."

"We could always give SasuNaru a run for their money as the most popular gay shipping in the series."

"Lesbian ships in shounen are a thing, right? I heard Shingeki's doing that now. Yumikuri, they call it?"

"Oh, I haven't gotten around to reading that one yet," Sakura replied. "I've been so caught up in the all the drama surrounding our own manga."

"Yeah." Karin crossed her arms. "What's up with that? Do people still think I'm Sarada's mother or something? It's been seven weeks, give it a rest already!"

Sakura bit her lip. "Um - so about that…"

"Kishimoto-san _still_ hasn't cleared it up? He's still trolling them?!"

"Well, actually…" Sakura twisted her hands awkwardly.

"Ugh, this is all also your bastard husband's fault. Why can't he just _say_ something instead of brooding in ellipses all the time!"

"To be honest - "

"Tell him something, Sakura! He listens to you!"

"It's actually _your_ better half, not mine, who screwed it up this time," Sakura blurted out.

Karin's red eyes narrowed. " _What_ did that watery little shark-freak do?"

* * *

 _(another hideout, a few hundred miles away)_

"Karin is _really_ going to kill you when she finds out…" Juugo commented.

"It's not _my_ fault!" Suigetsu cried. "I just read the lines I was given! I wanted panel-time okay, and this was the only way I was getting it!"

* * *

"That slippery little _bastard_ ," Karin hissed once Sakura had finished regaling her the details of the latest chapter. "He'll do _anything_ for panel-time. _Anything._ He's such a panel-whore!"

"Well, now you know why there's a mob of murderous fans outside your window," Sakura said.

"DNA test?!" Karin screeched. "Really?! How does that even make any sense?! Besides, what kind of screwed up machine would show a match of 100% between a potential parent and child, that's biologically impossible!"

"I'm a medic, I get it."

"And who the fuck keeps their own DNA enclosed in a fucking case in their own desk?! I could just rip a piece of hair out whenever I wanted!"

"As I said, I'm a medic, I totally - "

"And who made Suigetsu the King of Reason anyways?! Idiot's made of water, he doesn't have space for grey matter in his brain!"

"Try telling that to the mob."

"The mob doesn't understand logic and reason!"

"Well."

* * *

"I do hope your panels were worth it, because you're going to have one pissed-off girlfriend to deal with," Juugo said.

"Is it really so wrong to just want to appear in one freaking chapter?" Suigetsu moaned. "Everyone assumed we were dead, the epilogue forgot about us… even _Yamato_ got a scene…"

"Well, _I_ have no sympathy for you," a soft voice piped up.

Juugo and Suigetsu spun around. "Wait - you - you're - "

"The main character's _wife_ ," Hinata replied, her serene smile a bit strained. "And I've gotten even less panel time than you have this entire series."

"But you got an entire _movie_ ," Suigetsu pointed out.

"This manga series is titled 'The Seventh Hokage'," Hinata shot back. "And yet only his son appears for a few chapters, his wife and daughter completely cut out."

"I heard you were offered a gratuitous shower scene?" Suigetsu retorted.

"I declined," Hinata said primly.

"Oh?" Suigetsu raised an eyebrow. "Since when did you become so proper? What about that time you wore bunny ears and a fucking low-cut tight dress? And the onsen scene?"

"I stopped fanservice awhile ago," Hinata replied, without missing a beat. "It wouldn't do for Boruto and Himawari to see their mother sexualized like that."

"I can't believe I sacrificed my life for this shit," Neji grumbled besides her. "Clear favoritism for the Uchiha, once again."

"Even dead, you get more references than me," Tenten deadpanned besides him. "Kishimoto really should have killed me off with you…"

"That might have been nice," Neji agreed morbidly.

"I'm all for female empowerment but it's a bit frustrating being the only single and unmarried kunoichi when all the others are running around with their husbands and children… hell, even _Lee_ has a kid… "

"I'm sorry," Neji told her. "I didn't mean for it to turn out like this."

"What, no, why are you apologizing - "

"If I hadn't died prematurely, you wouldn't have - "

"Guys." Suigetsu broke up the pair. "Panel-time and fanservice aside, I need your help, I am in serious shit. You're Hyuuga right? Your eyes can see super far, yeah? Can you tell me if you see a crazy redhead approaching - "

* * *

"I try to do a good thing for once, and it's ruined by all these rumors," Karin fumed.

"I'm sorry." Sakura patted her arm, looking genuinely distraught. "I really am."

"When the hell do you lot plan to reveal what _actually_ happened to Sarada?"

* * *

 _(flashback: Konoha, right after the war)_

"Hey! You're Karin right?" a pink-haired girl dropped by her tent. "I'm Sakura Haruno, a medic!"

"I know you," Karin said sourly. "Sasuke-kun's precious old teammate, right?"

"Well, that too," Sakura said awkwardly. "So, I'm checking on everyone, do you have any injuries that you need healed?"

"Why the fuck would _you_ care?"

"H-huh?"

"Aren't we supposed to be enemies or something?"

"The war is over, Karin."

"Please, you know that's not what I'm talking about." Karin gave a harsh laugh. "You were in love with Sasuke-kun too, weren't you? Why would you - _help_ the competition?"

Sakura regarded her carefully. "Because you're not 'competition' to me."

"Oh, really? Think I'm not good enough, huh?" Karin scowled at her.

"No," Sakura said gently. "You're not competition to me. You're just another hurt, lost kunoichi who could do with some chakra, to heal your wounds. And maybe a friend."

* * *

"What are all those marks?!"

"Hickeys." Karin smirked when Sakura flinched slightly, jade eyes growing wide. "I'm just joking, god, you're such a prude."

"I can't heal them easily."

"Don't bother. They're mementos."

"Mementos of what?"

"Of all the lives I saved. Oh, and look. That one's a love-bite from your dear Sasuke-kun."

* * *

"Sa-Sasuke-kun asked me on a date." Sakura twisted her hands together awkwardly, her cheeks flushed.

Karin raised an eyebrow, amused, and also a bit surprised at the complete _lack_ of jealousy and bitterness she felt at this admission.

"About time. So you're here to rub it in?"

"N-no! I just thought - you should hear it from me…"

"I heard it. What else?"

"I was wondering if… if you'd be okay with it?" Sakura's green eyes looked almost desperate.

Karin laughed. "So you're asking for my blessing? And if I said no, what? You'd reject him?"

"I - I've loved Sasuke-kun my entire life," Sakura said, trembling slightly. "But you're also my friend, and I know you've been through a lot and I don't want you to feel - "

"Relax, Sakura," Karin finally said, cutting short her misery. "To be honest, I got over him a long time ago. I was only saying stuff to tease you."

"You mean…" Sakura's face brightened.

"He doesn't deserve someone as nice as you but, well, if it really makes you happy, you should go ahead with it."

"Thank you, Karin!"

"Even I can tell that he cares about you. Maybe being with you will make him a little less of an absolute dick."

* * *

"Congratulations."

Sasuke looked away awkwardly, but Sakura beamed, radiant in her kimono.

"Thank you so much!" she reached out, giving Karin a hug, whispering in her ear. "I'm sorry…"

Karin laughed as she pulled away. "Don't be. I told you, I'm over him. Besides, it's clear that he only has eyes for you."

"Are you sure you're okay?"

Karin smiled at her. "Sakura… you've been the first real friend I have ever had. Trust me when I say that it means a lot more to me than some guy I might have lusted over a few years ago."

"Karin…"

"Don't get sappy, it's your wedding day! Tell your bastard husband congratulations from me too. You're way too good for him, and if he fucks up, he'll be all alone forever. No other girl in their right mind would marry him after the crap he pulled, and his fan club seems to have migrated to Naruto."

Sakura smiled sadly, glancing out of the corner of her eye to where Sasuke was talking to Naruto and Hinata. "Are you sure you don't want to congratulate him yourself? You guys were a team and you _still_ don't talk, are you sure it's - "

"He hasn't apologized for trying to kill me, Sakura. And even if he did, unlike you, I'm not that forgiving."

"I know he feels bad about it - "

"But not bad enough. Don't beat _yourself_ up over it, Sakura, I knew he never cared about me in the first place. Why the hell are we even talking about this, it's your wedding day! Cheer up!"

* * *

"Karin! Karin!" Naruto's face was frantic, his voice pleading as he shook her awake.

"Naruto?" Karin asked groggily, reaching for her glasses in the dark. "What's happening?"

"It's Sakura - Karin, you're the only one who can help - hurry - "

Karin shot out of bed immediately. "What's wrong? Is it the baby? Ugh, I _knew_ there was something off about her chakra, I should have - "

"Quick!" Naruto tugged on her wrist. "We have to go - "

* * *

"What - what do you mean by that exactly?" Karin's throat went dry, but they continued their breakneck pace through the trees and towards the hideout, where Sakura and Sasuke were hidden.

"Exactly what I said," Naruto replied. "Sakura-chan needs more chakra as soon as possible, otherwise - "

"No, I mean the other part."

"Oh… you mean… that a part of your genetic material would get mixed into it?"

"Y-yeah."

"I mean - I don't really get this kind of fancy medical stuff - but just a bit though?"

* * *

The Uchiha baby, it seemed, was taking up too much chakra, _way_ too much chakra.

And as a non-Uchiha, giving birth was proving twice as taxing to Sakura. Even with the reserves in her seal, her chakra was reaching dangerous low levels.

When Karin and Naruto reached, Sakura's face was pale, her cherry-blossom hair sweat-stained and stuck to her forehead. Sasuke was by her side, grasping her hand between two of his, a stream of chakra flowing out as he attempted to inject his own chakra into her.

"Sakura!" Karin cried, rushing forwards.

Sakura's eyes fluttered open. "Ka-rin," she croaked.

"What is she doing here?" Sasuke asked sharply, tightening his hold on Sakura's hand.

"Sasuke, it's the only way," Naruto said quickly. "You transferring chakra is too slow… she'll run out at this rate… she needs a rush of chakra, a precise amount and- "

"Why can't you do it?"

"I already told you, I can't limit the amount and transfer it that precisely! If I fuck up and over-inject… or if the Kyuubi chakra leaks through… you know as well as I do what happens!"

"Can't you just control your goddamned chakra for once in your life, dobe?!"

"Do you really want to take that risk, teme?!" Naruto yelled. "Karin's being generous and willing to - "

"It's _our_ baby, Naruto!" Sasuke growled. " _Mine_ and _Sakura's!_ Our only one, probably! I don't want - "

"You don't want my disgusting genes mixed up with your kid?" Karin laughed bitterly. "My impure chakra polluting yours and Sakura's? The same chakra that has saved your ass so many times in the past? I have bite marks to show for it! You really are an ungrateful asshole!"

It was the first time she had said anything directly to him in years. Sasuke's clenched his jaw, his eyes darkening as he turned to Naruto once more, his gaze fierce, desperate.

"Naruto… _please_ …"

Naruto's blue eyes were watery. "Sasuke… you know if I could, I would do this without blinking, for you and for Sakura. I would die before I let anything happen to either of you or your child but… I really can't risk overinjecting and with the Kyuubi chakra mixed with mine… she's your best bet and I… I'm sorry…"

Sakura gave a violent tremor, and then whimpered.

"Sakura!" Sasuke's voice was edged with panic, _fear._ "Sakura, hold on…"

"Sakura-chan!" Naruto cried.

Karin gritted her teeth, before storming over.

" _Move_ , bastard," she hissed at Sasuke.

Sakura gave a moan of pain, her body trembling.

Sasuke finally turned to look at Karin. His eyes were wet, and he looked at her, actually _looked,_ for the first time in years.

"Karin…" his voice cracked. "Please… save my wife… and my child… I can't - I can't lose them - _please_ \- "

Despite the fact that she had gotten over him years ago, Karin's heart clenched at seeing him so _vulnerable,_ with so much naked emotion.

"Get out of my way," she snapped, rolling up her sleeves. "Sakura - Sakura - look at me - open your mouth - "

* * *

Later on, once the child had been born - a baby girl, they named her Sarada - and Sasuke and Sakura had spent their time alone with their baby, and then Naruto had joined - Karin finally stood up from her spot where she'd been slumped outside the cave, almost having fainted from chakra exhaustion.

She wiped away the blood from her arm - the deepest bite mark yet, damn Sakura's teeth had _hurt -_ and trudged inside.

"Karin!" Sakura's face was glowing and her green eyes were bright. She was holding a little bundle, a mop of black hair visible. Sasuke was draped over her protectively.

He stood up once Karin entered.

"Karin," he began, his voice shaking slightly. "I don't know what to say, I can't - "

"Don't say anything," Karin told him coldly. "I did this for her, not for you." She then turned to Sakura, her icy expression melting. "Sakura… congratulations."

Tears streamed down Sakura's cheeks. "Karin… _thank you_ …"

* * *

"Are you sure you don't want to meet her? You'd be like… godmother? Or her aunt?"

"It's fine, Sakura. I don't want to cause issues for you and your darling husband."

"Sasuke-kun really appreciates what you did for us. He just doesn't know what to say - "

"He doesn't have to say anything. Besides he'd just feel obliged to make me her aunt, I know he doesn't want me to be a part of your happy family. Leave the godparent duties to Naruto and Hinata."

"But - it's thanks to you - it's thanks to _you_ that Sarada - "

"It's fine, Sakura. I'm just glad I could be of help to you, and I guess to him too."

"She has your genes, Karin, even if it's just a tiny bit, it's a part of you - "

"Genes don't mean anything, Sakura. I grew up in Orochimaru's lab. A lot of people had lots of bits and parts and genes of lots of other people. That never mattered to anyone."

"This is different, you - "

"It's not different. I've been bitten by dozens of shinobi. Naruto would have done it if he could have."

* * *

"Are you sure you don't want to meet her, at least _once_ before you go?"

"It's alright, Sakura. I really need to leave. Suigetsu will bite my head off it I make him wait any longer, that fish-freak…"

"I wish… I wish she could have known you. And I wish _you_ could have known Sasuke-kun before… before, when he was different, as a child."

"I wish I could have too." Karin gave a wry smile. "But maybe it's a good thing that I didn't. If I had known Sasuke properly when he was actually a nice person, I may have never hated him enough to get over him. And then _we_ wouldn't be such good friends, would we?"

"At least take this before you go?" Sakura held out a box. Karin raised an eyebrow.

"What's in it?"

"You'll realize when you open it."

* * *

"I can't believe her," Karin muttered, opening the box a few days later and inspecting the lone strand of black hair. "She's too naive and trusting for her own good, she knows I worked for Orochimaru… why is she giving me samples of her precious daughter's hair? As a keepsake?"

* * *

"Do you really need to get her _those_ glasses, Sakura?"

"Of course I do! Sarada's eyes are weak because of the Sharingan, she needs glasses."

"You know that's not what I mean."

"What do you mean, Sasuke-kun."

"Sakura."

"Hm?"

"...nothing."

* * *

"So is it a coincidence that Sarada-chan's new glasses look rather familiar?" Naruto asked later, when Sasuke wasn't around.

"Do they really?"

"They do really."

"Is that so?"

"Red hair. Same last name as me. Does it ring a bell?"

"Oh _Karin_?" Sakura feigned surprise. "Gee, I never realized that till now, thanks for pointing it out, Naruto!"

"What did Sasuke have to say about it?"

"About what?"

"Sarada's glasses looking like Karin's?"

"Nothing."

"Really?"

"Really, Naruto. And it doesn't matter, even if he did have something to say about it. Karin did a great thing for us, and if… if Sarada's glasses remind us of her… then that's good, right?"

"I guess," Naruto agreed, before his face grew grim. "I'm really sorry, Sakura-chan, all those years back, I let you both down. It should have been me, Sasuke even asked me but I didn't think I could do it and with the Kyuubi chakra it would have been too dangerous and - "

"Don't be stupid, Naruto." Sakura thwacked him on the head. "You have nothing to apologize for. It's thanks to your quick thinking and hiraishin jutsu that Karin even got to us in time. Besides, a baby that had yours _and_ Sasuke's genes? That kind of kid would have driven me crazy!"

Naruto relaxed at her words, and then grinned. "Hey, I think a team seven baby would have been an awesome idea! I bet Kakashi-sensei would agree too."

"Please." Sakura rolled her eyes. "Not to mention, the fox chakra mixing with Uchiha blood. That would have just been asking for trouble."

"Well, even if they aren't not mine, your baby still got some Uzumaki genes," Naruto said cheekily.

* * *

 _(present time)_

"So what _did_ you do with that box of hair?" Sakura narrowed her eyes.

"What do you mean?" Karin looked bemused.

"I mean, there are a bunch of perfectly cloned Uchiha onions running around."

"Wh-what?" Karin looked flabbergasted. "Did you just say Uchiha - _onions?"_

"Yes!" Sakura insisted. "And they've clearly been cloned from Sarada!"

"That's not _my_ fault, I kept the box safely and securely in my private desk! Besides, you really shouldn't have been giving free DNA samples to someone who was going back to _Orochimaru's_ base, you know! Where was I even supposed to hide it safely?"

"So you're admitting that you used them!"

"I didn't, I swear! He must have obtained them another way! Didn't she get kidnapped once as a child?"

"She did, but - wait, how the hell did Suigetsu get his hands on them then?"

"I don't know, but I'm pretty sure that it was the same box. In my desk. Argh, and I specifically told the dumbass _not to touch my desk._ "

"That's like inviting him to touch it."

" _How?"_

"Oh, you know," Sakura waved her arms around vaguely. "Boys. Like doing things they are told not to do."

"Maybe you should have told Sasuke not to stay in Konoha."

"Ha ha ha. So anyways, you're sure it was the same box?"

"Quite sure."

"Just _quite_? How many human hair samples do you keep locked up in your desk?"

"Argh, okay, I am 200% sure it was!"

"So that means that Suigetsu basically compared Sarada's DNA to… "

"To her own DNA."

"And found a match."

"Yep."

"And didn't realize that the hair was _black_ and not _red_?"

"Apparently not."

"What a moron."

"You're telling _me_?"

"Hey, but even if you didn't know about any of this, why did you agree to the cameo appearance this chapter? You had to know what that would lead to, right?"

"Oh." Karin frowned. "That. Yeah. So."

* * *

 _(flashback: a few days ago)_

"Awww, come on babe, you know how much ass-licking I had to do to get you a panel?"

"Like I care! I never asked for a panel! I'm not a panel-whore like you, Suigetsu! I don't want a fucking panel! Half the fandom wants me dead right now anyways, and the other half thinks I'm a creep that raped Sasuke in his sleep or something! I don't want to appear on a random panel as _that other woman_ during the next chapter of Keeping Up With The Uchiha!"

"Oh come _on,_ there's even an outfit change in store for you!"

"Wait… you mean… like, a _new_ outfit?"

"You know you want to, Karin!"

"I mean… I _guess_ I wouldn't mind a new outfit… I really liked the knee-highs and booty shorts, but - "

"So did I."

"I guess a change would be nice, plus if it shows off my fantastic figure…"

"Hell yeah it would."

"Is it sexy?"

"Sure is. But then again, everything is sexy on you."

"That's true. Fine. I'll do it."

Suigetsu grinned to himself. That had been easier than expected.

* * *

"What the fuck is this, Suigetsu?!" Karin screeched.

"Slutty schoolgirl?"

"What? _No!_ I want my high-collared slitted top and knee highs back!"

"It looks so good though - "

"I said no! This is totally not my style! It's too prim and prissy and - "

"Not revealing enough?"

"Ugh, that's not what I mean, goddamnit, Suigetsu, you - "

"That's good," a sudden voice said, "keep yelling at him. Okay. Perfect."

There was a flash, and both Karin and Suigetsu looked up, confused.

The cameraman gave them a thumbs up. "Thanks guys. Karin, the shoot for your panel is over, you can go now."

"Wait, _what_?" Karin raged. "I haven't even posed yet!"

"That was your pose."

"Me yelling at Suigetsu?"

"Yeah, pretty much. Well done."

"Wait, but I have issues with this stupid outfit, it's worse than that uniform crap you put Sarada in before the timeskip and _oh, god, no_." Karin's red eyes narrowed.

"Well I have to go," the cameraman said quickly, packing up hastily.

"You are _so_ full of shit," Karin began, seething. "Don't tell me you're trying to match me with Sarada to fuel this Karin-is-the-mom-crap - "

"If you have any issues, kindly take them up with the author!" the cameraman squeaked, before making a quick disappearance.

"I never agreed to this! You took photos of me without my consent! This is trickery! Exploitation!"

"Don't worry, babe," Suigetsu assured her. "I'm sure you're just reading too much into it. That can't be the reason why…"

* * *

 _(present time, inside a room resembling an office, with papers of manga scenes strewn everywhere)_

"So why are you two here again?"

"I want more panel-time for my perfect and beautiful wife, Hinata, ttebayo!" Naruto crowed. "And my adorable princess, Himawari. And the apple-of-my-eye, Boruto, who is, you know, the _new main character._ "

"Boruto is getting his movie," the man said, waving Naruto off. "And Hinata already got hers."

"What about my precious angel - "

"What about you, Sasuke?" the man asked, ignoring Naruto.

"I think my reasons are quite evident, Kishimoto-san," Sasuke said, his voice sharp, and dangerously soft, as blue lightning crackled from his fingertips. "Cease this pointless vilification of my character, and also of my wife and child. Moreover, I will not stand for having my relationship with Sakura tainted with rumors of me and _that…_ " Sasuke gave a little shiver, " _hag_."

Kishimoto just looked amused. "It will all be solved in due time."

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" Sasuke growled. "I'm sick of these disgusting rumors, it's worse when people wanted to pair my wife off with _him_." He jerked a finger at Naruto, who looked offended.

"Hey, in my defense, for me it was either her or Hinata or _you_ , teme."

"That's not the point, dobe!"

Kishimoto leaned back on his chair, looking as though he were thoroughly enjoying himself. "Is that all?"

"What do you mean _is that all_?" Sasuke snarled, finally losing his calm and with it, the threatening aura he had been attempting to project. "The entire fandom is a shitshow, and they're all fighting about _ships_! It's worse than when 700 released! This manga is degenerating into a shoujo love triangle and - "

"Funny you mention chapter 700." Kishimoto chuckled. "I actual recall a conversation I had with you in the aftermath of said chapter. It's what inspired me to make a lot of the storytelling decisions I did with this new manga."

Sasuke looked confused. "What are you - "

* * *

 _(flashback, same room, awhile ago)_

"- said that they would try to kill you if you didn't change the ending to NaruSaku. Oh, and there's also some sort of petition going on, to ban the manga."

"Is that all?" Kishimoto asked.

His assistant gulped, and then added. "Well and a lot of death threats and insults whenever we tweet anything, but that's to be expected. Most of the attacks are originating from tumblr."

"These people are _fools_ ," Sasuke hissed from his chair.

"Sensei, _do_ something," Sakura begged from besides him, before adding. "Also, Sasuke and I want a kiss scene. Naruto and Hinata are getting an entire movie with _two_ kisses, we should get at least one kiss scene."

"I agree with Sakura," Sasuke said imperiously. "Besides… both of us have already had our… _scenes_ with… the dobe…" Sasuke made a face at this, before continuing. "It is only fair that we complete the cycle and get to… with one another."

"Does it really kill you to say the word 'kiss' Sasuke-kun?"

"Sakura, you're digressing."

"Sakura has a gaiden coming up," Kishimoto said. "And as for the kiss. Well. You know. Romance isn't really my _thing_ \- "

"You made me kiss Naruto!" both Sakura and Sasuke shouted at the same time.

"Well, just be grateful that I didn't make _you_ kiss Lee!" Kishimoto told Sakura, before turning to Sasuke. "Or you, Ino! Or Karin!"

Sasuke flinched at this, and Sakura just rolled her eyes.

"No, but Sensei, please do _something_! All this hatred is infectious, the fandom is going to implode and destroy itself!"

"Yes. That is true. After all these years of hard work and love," Kishimoto said sadly. "It is disappointing."

"They're all idiots," Sasuke said dismissively. "You should get revenge on them for their idiocy. Avenge yourself. Avenge this manga."

 _By giving me and Sakura adult scenes,_ he thought in his head.

"Sasuke, 700 chapters and I still haven't taught you anything, have I?" Kishimoto shook his head. "Revenge… I have to say, it's a tempting thought though…"

* * *

 _(present time)_

"- were really annoying me with their stupid theories and ship wars and negative comments, so I decided to avenge myself by trolling them. Majorly. And messing around with their ships. And heads."

"Are you serious right now?" Naruto gaped at the man.

"You - you're an avenger," Sasuke said weakly, before smacking his forehead. Naruto turned on him.

"Teme! This is all _your_ fault dattebayo!"

" _My_ fault?"

"You encouraged him! With all your revenge crap!"

"He _made_ me do the 'revenge crap!'"

"This is still _your_ fault! You couldn't reject Karin properly and now _my_ manga is being ruined because of your flakiness - "

"How much clearer can I get than stabbing a sword through someone's heart!"

"Well given that when you stuck a chidori through my heart it meant that I was your closest friend and trying to stab Sakura with a kunai like some sort of sick foreplay to an inevitable marriage proposal and then pointing a sword at your beloved daughter, I don't know, your violence is _more than a little misleading, don't you think ttebayo?!"_

"I - I never _actually_ tried to kill you or Sakura or Sarada. Properly."

" _You didn't kill Karin! Clearly you hadn't been trying properly there either!_ Which is a good thing though, don't get me wrong -"

"I _tried,_ I tried _properly_ back then, but Sakura stopped me - "

"Boys," Kishimoto said, standing up. "Please continue your bromantic squabbles outside my office. I really need to get working on next week's chaos - I mean, chapter."

" _Bromantic?"_ Naruto screeched. "Yeah, and on that note, why the hell did you even draw that first kiss scene anyways, huh?"

"Clean up this mess!" Sasuke demanded. "Make it known that I never had any intentions of doing anything with Karin and that my - my feelings for Sakura are pure and untainted and - "

"Get out."

* * *

"I'm actually going to _castrate_ him," Karin fumed as she and Sakura made their way over to the other base, having escaped from the deranged fans.

"Wow, this tumblr site is kind of hilarious," Sakura noted, flipping through a web page on her phone. "Oh, gross."

"I bet Sasuke would rather give a blowjob to Orochimaru than do anything with Karin," Karin read aloud, having snatched Sakura's phone. "Wow, that sure is a boost to my self-esteem."

"They don't hate _you,_ they just hate the coupling," Sakura assured her, before making a face. "That's also really disturbing. _Orochimaru,_ really?!"

"Eh, I've seen fanfiction about that floating around," Karin said, shrugging.

Sakura's eyes widened comically. "Wait, _what_?"

"It's not as uncommon of a pairing as you would think."

"You're joking… "

* * *

"He's so _mean_ ," Naruto grumbled, as he and Sasuke trudged away from Kishimoto's office towards the sets.

" _You_ have no right to talk," Sasuke glared at him balefully. "You got a movie. And _scenes._ My life is still this convoluted triangle and my daughter is having a family crisis."

"You'd think after your beloved aniki murdered the entire clan they'd have run out of ways to fuck up an Uchiha family dynamic, ttebayo?"

"I don't think they'll ever run out of ways to - hey, is that Suigetsu?"

Both Sasuke and Naruto stopped in their tracks. A few meters away, Juugo and Suigetsu, feeling the sudden spike of killer intent radiating from Sasuke, also stopped.

"Run for it," Juugo murmured.

"You're not an avenger anymore," Naruto whispered supportively to Sasuke. "You are a changed man. Think of how upset Sakura-chan would be if she had to reattach his balls."

"You assume that there will be anything to reattach them to," Sasuke growled. "This entire DNA test fiasco is _his_ fault."

"H-hi, Sasuke," Suigetsu said shakily, giving an awkward wave. "Long time - "

"Sasuke-kun!"

Sasuke stopped, mid-chidori, his head snapping up. "S-Sakura?"

"Oh look, teme's _blushing,"_ Naruto jeered.

"SUIGETSU!"

Karin's greeting was not quite as sweet, and Suigetsu jumped.

"Karin - babe - hey - "

"DON'T FUCKING 'HEY' ME YOU HYDROPHILIC FREAK OF NATURE! I KNOW WHAT YOU DID!"

"Kishimoto forced me to do it - "

"YOU TRAITOR!"

"YOU'RE CALLING ME THAT WHEN _SASUKE_ IS RIGHT HERE? WOW, THAT HURTS, KARIN - "

"YOU KNOW WHAT HURTS MORE, MY HEEL WHEN IT'S SHOVED RIGHT UP YOUR - "

"Guys, guys! You won't believe what happened!"

The squabbling shinobi turned around as Ino made her appearance, dragging Sai with her.

"Ino-pig," Sakura greeted. "What's up."

"So the new Shingeki chapter released a few days before ours, right," Ino said excitedly. "Guess what? It's _also_ a shipping shitshow!"

"What do you mean?" Naruto raised an eyebrow. "Oh god, is it Riren versus Ereri again, I told all the SasuNaru and NaruSasu shippers this too, it doesn't matter who tops or bottoms, as long as the two parties involved are the same, it's essentially the same ship so they shouldn't fight - "

Sasuke made a strangled sound at this, and Sakura cracked her fist, her green eyes narrowing to slits. "Naruto? Is there something you and Sasuke-kun have to say to me and Hinata?"

"It's not that," Ino waved them both off. "It's ErenMika and YumiKuri this time."

"Huh, why would they fight?" Karin asked. "YumiKuri is pretty much established canon, and ErenMika are clearly not going to end up with anyone else, since Levi is know her family and I don't think Isayama-sensei is going to hint at incest the way Kishimoto-sensei did…"

"When did Kishimoto-sensei ever hint at incest?" Juugo asked, alarmed.

"Oh please." Karin rolled her eyes. "One word. Uchihacest."

"Karin totally shipped Sasuke and Itachi a few years ago," Suigetsu added in a stage-whisper. "Biggest Uchihacest fangirl ever."

Sasuke looked revolted, and Karin's expression looked murderous.

"Suigetsu, are you _trying_ to give me more reasons to kill you?"

"Me and - and _aniki_?" Sasuke spluttered.

"He is blushing," Naruto pointed out to Sakura. "Sakura-chan, he is _blushing,_ he clearly is _not_ averse to the idea."

"Naruto, are _you_ trying to give me more reasons to kill _you?"_ Sakura echoed Karin's words, and Naruto cowered.

"What did I do? Why are you always so mean to me, Sakura-chan? Where's Hinata, I want my Hinata, dattebayo!"

"ErenMika and YumiKuri are in a mess," Ino said loudly, cutting in, "because the new chapter had a panel in which Eren and Historia were talking to one another."

The rest of the shinobi looked at her, dumbfounded.

"So?" Sakura finally asked.

"Apparently people in the Shingeki fandom believe that simple conversation indicates romantic and sexual attraction," Sai contributed, and Ino nodded.

"Yeah, what he said. Basically, people are screaming 'Erekuri' now and the ErenMika and YumiKuri shippers are pissed."

"That's a pretty stupid reason," Suigetsu said after a moment. "And kind of unfounded for them to have so many issues about it."

"Yes indeed, their issues do seem rather unfounded, especially when you compare them to, oh, I don't know, _fake DNA tests which doubt the credibility of a child's mother_ ," Sakura hissed, glaring at him, and Suigetsu gulped.

"Oh, Shingeki," Naruto sighed dramatically. "You might be considered by some as the more gory manga, but in terms of romantic drama and relationship trolling, you have nothing on us."

"Seriously," Karin said. "Characters _talking_ now is the cause of ship wars? They haven't been in our fandom have they? We've had kisses and implied sex, and wow, they are so vanilla."

That's probably the first time someone called Shingeki 'vanilla'," Ino commented.

"Oi! You lot! Sakura! Sasuke! Naruto!" a voice called, as one of Kishimoto's assistants strolled out. "Get back to the studio, we have to start preparing for the next chapter."

"Oh, the _next_ chapter, huh?" Karin placed her hands on her hips, her eyes narrowing dangerously. "I hope that's when you'll finally resolve this mother drama? Maybe have Sarada, you know, ask her parents _directly,_ rather than unrelated freaks like Suigetsu?"

The man looked at her like she was crazy, and chortled. "Are you serious? That's not happening for another few weeks."

Karin buried her face in her hands, mentally preparing herself for the escalating shitshow.

* * *

 **End**

* * *

 _A/N: I was an econ/law major who never studied biology beyond middle school, so please excuse me if some of that stuff about genetics and whatnot made no sense. I just made it up and went with some interesting theories I read about on tumblr/thought of myself without worrying about scientific validity._

 _This was meant as parody. I don't mean to offend anyone, really. I stated explicitly this would be anti SasuKarin. I really see it playing out as Sasuke being too much of a dick to apologize properly to Karin (even if he makes up and apologizes with Sakura and Naruto, since he actually cared about Team 7 before he went down vengeance road) and Karin growing to resent him. I also think Karin and Sakura could be great friends, and Sakura is the kind of nice person now who would reach out to Karin and not do what she did as a child with Ino._

 _And yeah some of the fan reactions on tumblr, etc, are rather frustrating. It's bothering me to be a part of a fandom filled with so much hatred, and I guess this was my way of venting and expressing my emotions. I'm sorry if this offended anyone, and I'm probably likely to get flamed for this, but well. The Naruto fandom isn't exactly a happy family right now, and I'm aware of it._

 _I totally think Kishimoto is trolling. And I am super super Anti-SasuKarin (why does that ship even exist? It's unhealthy and not indicative at all of a good relationship). I am also not a fan of how SasuSaku's relationship is being portrayed, but well, we have fanfiction for that, don't we._

 _I meant to write this as a serious piece but then I was just too annoyed with everything so I made it a parody instead._

 _If anyone is interested in seeing my take on SasuSaku's relationship (and why he seemingly abandoned his wife and kid for 12 years) please check out my fic_ **For Sarada** _on my page._

 _Please review! Also my apologies for not replying to PMs. I feel terrible, I do, but I barely have any time on my hand, I just managed to type this on a flight and I'm uploading it without even checking for errors (again, I'm sorry!)_

 _SasuSaku, stay strong, don't give up! And don't freak out, the trolling will continue, but there will be a happy ending. I'm sure of it! :)_

 _Couldn't help but slip the Shingeki references in, because the ship wars in that fandom are also getting a bit annoying. Shingeki is about so much more than the romance. Any shounen manga is, really._

 _It's obvious enough who I ship I think, but I'm sorry if I offended any other ships. (I still think EreKuri is the stupidest thing ever and nothing will change that mind, mainly because I am super strong ErenMika and YumiKuri) I don't dislike any yaoi ships (I actually majorly ship SasuNaru which may seem weird given I love SasuSaku so much, but I do) but I couldn't resist but throw in some of those jokes for shits and giggles._


End file.
